You may have heard of the term “high functioning depression”, also known as dysthymia, being used more and more over the past few years. High functioning depression, or dysthymia, is a form of depression. While still feeling many of the symptoms of severe depression, people with high functioning depression are still able to complete daily tasks of living like working, taking care of a family, making it to appointments, etc. Although they are able to “function” day to day, they are straddled with an inability to feel joy from activities they once enjoyed, have changes in appetite and sleep patterns, feel lethargic, and a whole slew of other symptoms related to depression. Although they are able to keep up the look of a “normal” life, high functioning depression should not be ignored, because, like with myself, that high functioning depression can turn into crippling depression at the drop of a dime. Think of it like walking pneumonia.
The Beginning of My Experiences With High Functioning Depression
As many of you have read here before, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 12. I was in middle school at this time and maintaining high honor roll grades and seemingly going through what could be labeled as teenage angst. When not in school or doing my work, I slept, I stayed in my room, I didn’t eat regularly, but my parents were told this was typical of a girl my age. This was until I finally broke under the pressure and started experiencing psychotic symptoms and eventually attempted suicide. I hid my psychosis because I didn’t realize that not everyone had voices whispering at them all day until those whispers started yelling. My first hospitalization lasted a few weeks and I was still completing my school work in between intensive therapy and staying on or above my grade level. I even tested into one of the top preparatory schools in the state despite being heavily medicated and still depressed. I was eventually homeschooled, sent to an intensive therapeutic school, and then an alternative high school. All this while still juggling suicidal ideation, psychosis, and maintaining excellent grades.
How High Functioning Depression Looked For Me In College
College was a whole other ballgame when it came to living with a severe mental illness and staying afloat. All of the supports I had were gone. Even with being registered with the Office of Disability Services at each school, I still felt very much on my own and struggled to not drown. It took me 8 years to finish my undergrad degree. Like clockwork, the seasons changed and I found that I just couldn’t cut it. I often finished out semesters in the hospital but still managed to make the Dean’s List and graduate Cum Laude. Because of the way my depression would manifest, I soon garnered the nickname “Ghost.” I was the person that abruptly left parties without telling anyone, the friend you would see almost every day at the beginning of the semester until around midterms and then you would wonder if I had dropped out. I went to club meetings less and less, I dropped off of sports teams (since I was not on scholarship for a sport), and I spent my free time either back home or sleeping. My waking hours were spent worrying about assignments I needed to finish, assignments that weren’t yet assigned, fearing I missed something or overslept because I had a hard time remembering what day it was, and general paranoia about my friends not actually liking me. My saving grace in undergrad was my need for order and planning. As soon as I received my finalized class schedule I made color-coded charts that hung in multiple places and set alarms and reminders. I’ve always kept a meticulous day planner since middle school and, as I still do this day, I made copious amounts of lists. But, despite my best efforts, I still needed to take semesters off and was in the hospital almost once a year for my entire undergrad career.
Realizing That My Type of Depression Doesn’t Align With the Real World
I’ve always wanted to go into medicine. From elementary school onward I wanted to be some sort of doctor. With undergrad having been so difficult for me, I knew any type of post-grad education wasn’t in the cards. So my goal was to find a career I liked, work full -time, get off disability, and live as normal a life as possible. Each time I secured a full-time job, the first few months were fine. Then I would swing into a manic phase right before the fall. After this hypomanic state I took a dive into high functioning depression. I would drag myself out of bed in the morning, go to work and try my best to hide that my memory and concentration were deteriorating, come home and go to bed. Just to repeat this daily for weeks. Of course, this isn’t sustainable and I would always eventually crack and go into the hospital. This is why I compared high functioning depression to walking pneumonia. Some people can continually function like this without getting worse, just like many people with walking pneumonia will eventually get better and never develop full pneumonia or a more serious illness. I always develop “pneumonia.” Many times I tried to come back to work after I’d been released from the hospital, but workplaces often become hostile after you’ve needed to take temporary disability for an invisible illness. You are no longer kept in the loop on projects. Tasks that you were previously trusted with and completed with care are handed off to those with less experience or a poor track record. Asking for what should be reasonable accommodations such as working from home one day a week in companies where most communication is done over the phone or internet are treated as outlandish and denied. I’ve even had a boss/ company owner ask me if I could assure them I wouldn’t have another breakdown. So I’m left with remaining on disability and working a part-time job (which I love) remotely. But being on disability does not allow for career or monetary growth. So while I’m not necessarily stuck in poverty like some people on disability because of my access to certain programs and a supportive and financially sound family, I am stuck living a life far below what I want for myself.
My Experience Is Not the Same As Others
While I have many of the same symptoms of others living with high functioning depression, my experience is just that. My experience. There are many people who deal with this who hold full-time jobs, have families, and are able to accomplish many of the goals they set for themselves. Also, the symptoms of depression, high functioning or not, vary from person to person. That person at work that you think just hates people and is unreasonably snappy may be depressed. The person who seems to attend a happy hour after every workday may be self-medicating. That person at work that never seems to leave their cubicle and get’s every task done at lightning speed, may just be continuously working to drown out depressive thoughts. There are so many people struggling through life, thinking “Is this all there is?” because they don’t realize they are depressed. Thankfully we have the internet at our disposal (for the time being) and social media has been a huge factor in helping people realize they aren’t alone and also find resources for help. It’s not hopeless, even though it feels that way at times.
