We are once again in the time of year where mental health issues are exacerbated by the changing seasons and holidays that can trigger negative emotions. That means people will be discussing their down times more often, especially on social media. This is where I start to see hypocrisy spill out. Whenever someone famous succumbs to a mental illness you see endless threads about “reach out to loved ones”, “don’t feel ashamed”, “ask for help if you need it”, etc. But once the initial shock wheres off, so does the general public’s empathy.
Lately, I’ve been seeing more and more posts stating that “your significant other/ friends aren’t your therapist so stop dumping your issues on them” and other statements of a similar nature. So which is it? Do you want the people you love that struggle with their mental health to reach out and tell you they need help or do you want them to keep it to themselves? It can’t be both.
I know that there is a huge difference between dumping the emotional labor of your mental health onto a loved one and reaching out for comfort in difficult times, but most people aren’t making that distinction. Their comments are basically a long-winded “shut up and stop complaining.” Probably stemming from personal experiences with emotionally manipulative people or the stereotype of people with mental illnesses as being needy, selfish, and unable/unwilling to do the work on themselves. These mixed messages once again heaping stigma on a vulnerable community and dissuading people from disclosing and sometimes getting help.
As time goes on I feel that society, by and large, is becoming more and more “me” centered on a micro level. While yes, we do see more advocation for marginalized groups, in theory, those principles aren’t put into action in our personal lives. We talk about ending stigma around mental illness more and more, but when it comes to a friend or family member with a mental illness it becomes “they are draining” or “they are always so dramatic.” You see “check on your strong friend” plastered across social media statuses, but when that strong friend finally opens up they are “too much.”
If you just so happen to be trusted enough by us that we can be open about our struggles, we aren’t trying to make you our therapist. We are trying to stop folding into ourselves and be transparent. We are trying to bring you a level of understanding about why we may not be going out, why we may be bursting into tears randomly, why we seem so irritable. We aren’t asking you to “fix” us, because quite frankly, you don’t have the range. It’s actually a very self-centered way of moving about your relationships if you cannot decenter yourself from anything that is really about someone else.
Listen. People with mental health concerns are already feeling bad enough, especially when being open about what we struggle with. We are already second-guessing how much information we put out because we’ve made to feel like a burden for far too long. I can almost guarantee you that the times we are openly talking about how we feel we are also still holding back a lot. It is a constant weighing of whether we are sounding too much like a Debbie Downer or if we are giving just enough insight that the other party isn’t upset by, disappointed by, or left questioning our behavior.
If you are really serious about supporting your loved ones with mental health issues or you feel overwhelmed by a loved one’s mental health issues I’ve listed some resources below:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/crazy-life/201209/how-help-loved-one-mental-illness
https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/Family-Members-and-Caregivers
The next time you think to tweet or post about people “dumping emotional labor” onto you, take a step back and analyze whether they are really being used as a makeshift therapist or is it that YOU are uncomfortable with the fact that their emotions aren’t as simple as you’d hoped and empty “think positive” platitudes aren’t getting them to stop discussing how they feel.
