Yesterday I felt joy for the first time in a long time. It was so close to the feelings of hypomania but without the poor impulse control. I felt like me. I think.
I finally hit my breaking point a few weeks ago and decided to cut ties with an emotionally abusive, narcissist (my own 2 cents based on his behavior patterns. I AM NOT A DR.) who I loved deeply but was causing me to spiral into despair. I was scared to call it abuse because looking from the outside “it wasn’t that bad” but if someone continues to cause you harm, after being told how they hurt you, that someone continuously apologizing, then going right back to doing it, what else can you call it. A quote I’ve seen on Twitter really stuck out to me recently. It said, “Apologies without changed behavior are just manipulation.”
The rose-colored glasses came off and I saw him for who he is, who he would never be, and just how badly he treated me and others he claimed to care about. Since then I’ve been dealing with guilt and shame around having allowed him back in my life and not taking my friend’s advice on him. I’ve second-guessed all my friendships that have him as a mutual friend. I’ve questioned my own motives for staying in those friendships. I’ve also been drowning in the fear that he was my last chance at love and that no one else will ever want me because of my disability.
But yesterday I felt a shift. While I still have little hope of someone loving me romantically, I was happy for a full day. I did have some hand trembling anxiety towards the evening but I was still happy. I was able to find a piece of happy in the middle of a pandemic with just myself. I honestly can’t remember the last time I felt that way. I’ve been in a persistent cycle of dysthymia for longer than I care to remember and wearing a mask of happiness around others as to not push them away. Yesterday, I didn’t need a mask.
I was happy without worrying when the other shoe would drop. I was happy without thinking of the worst case scenario. I was happy despite the world burning around me. Sometimes happiness feels selfish, but I embraced it. I want to keep holding onto joy. I want to always find my way back here. And I want others to join me. (But stay 6 feet away.)
