I’m Still Here

Hey. Hi. Hello. It’s been quite some time since I’ve written a blog or Patreon post and I’m fighting the urge to apologize for it because I needed the time away. The past year and change has been weird. And not just because of Covid. Life has changed. Goals have changed. I have changed.

In all these changes and the mental energy that surrounds them, I’ve neglected this blog. I’ve neglected my Patreon. I’ve neglected to try to find the joy and passion in what I once used to love. I wanted to get back to makeup reviews, but my skin became highly sensitive after having Covid. Every time I would put on makeup I would have a flare of what seems like eczema or some sort of contact dermatitis. My skincare products burned and my skin felt as delicate as tissue paper.

My weight has also fluctuated wildly and for what seems like no reason at all. I felt, and still feel, ugly and I avoid looking in full-length mirrors. I don’t feel like a “beauty blogger” anymore. I don’t buy any new clothes unless I can no longer fit into my pants. I feel very much like a stranger in my own body and don’t recognize myself.

I also decided to loc my hair in the Fall of 2020 and while it’s been a great decision, it again brought up a lot of insecurity around how connected my feelings about myself are connected to my hair. The first time was when I first went natural. But that’s a story for another day. In locing my hair I have had to really see my face. I purposely haven’t gotten loc extensions or done any protective styles over them because I’m forcing myself to find self-acceptance outside of “beauty norms” and what’s been a lifetime of trauma associated with trying to have “good hair.” I’m trying to just like me. Sometimes I feel like I do, but more often than not I don’t.

I also got my tubes tied back in January. I’ve been using birth control for almost 2 decades and I was over it. I settled on never wanting kids years ago, but what had stopped me from taking the steps with starting the process with my OB/GYN was what other people thought about it. But why stay on birth control that causes pain, discomfort, and other side effects if I could just have this procedure and get on with my life? Why was I allowing other people’s desires for MY potential motherhood and their feelings about reproduction to guide my choices? It caused an initial rift within my family, but we’ve since moved past that. I’ve never felt this much satisfaction from a decision before.

I’ve gone in and out of depressive episodes, but that shouldn’t be a surprise, because I’ve talked about them here quite often. In and out of those episodes I’ve contemplated just shutting down the blog or moving all of my old content over to Patreon. I never took those steps because I’ve put so much work, so much time, so much energy into creating this. I long ago got out of the mindset of trying to monetize my writings, even my content on Patreon is free because it does nothing but add pressure that makes me hate writing. But writing is my best form of communication. I know I podcast and what not and sometimes that’s the perfect medium to get my thoughts out, but this is where I can fully flesh out ideas. Say what I mean in a more deliberate and thought-out way. As well as keep my train of thought on track. My biggest issue with podcasting has been getting derailed, either by others or because my thoughts jump quickly from point to point when I speak out loud because I have to omit some logical steps, but I don’t have that problem with writing. I feel like I’m understood better in this medium.

Even with all the good parts of blogging, I still didn’t know if I wanted to keep doing it. Especially when my website kept breaking and I just felt completely over it. I know some people care what I have to say, but I don’t make that much of an impact. At least not as Lithium To Lashes. People mainly know and listen to the non-branded version of me on social media and IRL. It’s been a bit demoralizing to not have much engagement on my writing or photos, despite me knowing it’s more about algorithms and social media strategy. Also, me talking about my mental health or beauty products isn’t exactly sexy, and there’s been a shift to video content as the thing to do and I’m just not comfortable with that. It took me a few years of podcasting to even be able to listen to the sound of my own voice without cringing.

I’ve strengthened some friendships, but I’ve also lost some. I’ve gotten into, out of, back into, and back out of relationships. I’ve been consistently working through the fears and emotions that the beginnings and endings have brought up. Each new instance triggering pain that I thought I had put to rest. I’ve crumbled more times than I want to think of in such a short period of time because of trauma I hadn’t registered as being traumatic at the time or issues from my past that I convinced myself I was over. I’m still coming to terms with these things needing to be ongoing work.

I would love to be the “content creator” that puts out posts regularly. Who remembers to capture every fun moment on camera. Who always seems put together and on top of things. But I’m not. I’m absent-minded. My confidence lapses. And sometimes, I just plain don’t have anything to say.

BUT! I’m still here.