The feeling of living a double life has been very strong lately. Mainly because I’ve been very social but have kept a ton of my emotions close to the vest. I’m still fairly open with my close friends. However, I’ve reached the point of keeping more to myself because everyone I’m close to is also going through a lot and I don’t want to dump even more of my baggage onto them that they may not have the emotional bandwidth to handle. So it’s mainly been me figuring out how to best hold myself together, while also still reveling in the intermittent moments of joy and comradery I can find.
As open as I am about my mental health and mental illness, I am still adamant about it not defining me. It’s why I feel like I live a double life. Most people see the friendly, light-hearted, and joking side of me. It’s authentically part of who I am. It’s not a facade, but it is also the safest version of myself to put out there. It doesn’t require vulnerability or heavy calculation of other’s intentions or trustworthiness. It’s an escape from isolation and overthinking.
The other side of me is the highly sensitive, emotional whirlwind. It’s the side that is exhausting and complicated. The side that only a select group gets to see. While it’s overwhelming, it is the impetus for my empathy. It’s why I am so gentle with others and why some people feel safe with me. It’s the side that I resent, while simultaneously acknowledging that I wouldn’t be who I am today, good and bad, without it.
I have compartmentalized a lot of who I am as a protective measure. Living a double life, so to speak, is how I get by. But it takes so much energy. I often feel myself going into a sort of low power mode after a while, and that’s a huge red flag that my two selves are close to merging and imploding. As much as I love summer, it is the most precarious time for me because I am placed in more situations that drain me and threaten to break down the wall I’ve built. I’m also prone to hypomania and the drop into depression after an episode can range from subtle to drastic. So I’m functioning in a way to hide my fears of how unpredictable my emotions and thought processes will be, while still trying to ride the highs.
While I feel like I’m living a double life, I don’t feel like either side is inauthentic. However, this does cause conflict because neither states of being are sustainable for long periods of time. I’ve had to build these 2 versions of myself out of desperation and fear. Fear of my own emotions, fear of rejection, and fear of missing out on life. If I could merge them I would, but I just don’t think that is entirely feasible.
